Nothing makes sense today.

I was feeling pretty content being with myself, doing my things, having “me” time. Suddenly a sense of sadness swept me away. A thought came to me: if I am so happy now, why do I “need” a relationship, a husband, a marriage, kids, etc?

When all those aspects have been fulfilled, then I would have nothing to long for.

I am confused. As if there’s a sense of deficiency and inner sense of lack that I want to protect.

I’ve been stressing out about lots of things lately. I question the need of marriage; I question my ability to measure up against an idealized picture of how and what I ought to be. I am losing my sleep and appetite. I used to have an appetite of a pig, and now I can’t even finish a sandwich. Isn’t that shocking?

Being an Ennea-Type Four is quite tragic. Fours are dramatic, emotive, romantic and seem to suffer more than other types. I often feel a sense of not really being connected to anyone or anything, especially a sense of being disconnected from myself. There’s an inner hopelessness about ever being truly content. There’s this brutal self-rejection and self-hatred arising from the unshakeable conviction that I am a failure as a person. Sometimes I reach the point of feeling that there’s something inherently evil or poisonous about me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not an unhappy person. I think I am happier than a lot of people I know. But I am so afraid of this disconnection feeling monster that shows up every now and then. Whenever he shows up, I feel like I am drowning in a deep, dark space of unknown and emptiness. The sad reality is that I may feel miserable and profess to long for happiness; it is really the suffering that I cling to – since through this I maintain connection with my Type Four melancholy identity. It doesn’t make sense, isn’t it? It sucks! I can tell you this much. But I give myself a pat on my back for recognizing this. To win a battle, I gotta know who/what I am fighting with.

To me, it’s extremely important to know who I am and identify my true nature for personal growth. As I grow internally, I would know how to handle challenges and make better choices and in life. In times of personal crisis and conflict like today, I could guide myself to stay grounded.

As I am reading through my Enneagram diagnosis, it’s interesting to me that it says my inner sense of disconnection leads to a craving for what makes one feel connected – for what is original, authentic, creative and direct. For this reason, I am drawn to the arts and other aesthetic pursuits as either creator or appreciator. That’s probably why I love Vincent van Gogh so much because suffering and the artist have been perennially linked. 😛

Originality, authenticity and spontaneity are important to me.

So, what do I do now? How can I fix myself?

The advice from the book The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram: Nine Faces of the Soul by Sandra Maitri is that I need to learn how to approach my experience without reacting to it, without clinging to it, and without needing it to be right, dramatic and out of the ordinary.  I need to be more “in the moment” and fully landing within myself and my experience and not resisting it. Only then is it possible to respond to life with equilibrium.

I need to give up the hope of matching some ideal and accepting myself as I am. My behavior needs to be replaced with an attitude of surrender and openness to what is occurring; internally or externally, rather than fighting it. Then, striving for the exceptional, the exciting, and the extreme gradually becomes replaced with an appreciation of calm and simplicity (I’ve been working on it, really!). As I open to the deep, dark space, it might begin to change into a presence that feels spacious, free, and peaceful. If I allow it further, I would begin to find and recognize myself, to experience my original face before I was born. I would experience balance within, center within, and no longer need to long for the Source that I’ve felt separated from because I am and I know at last to be that Source. This experience will arise again and again with different nuances until my true, real self becomes my Point of existence.

“It takes a long time to be young.” – Pablo Picasso

Enneagram is truly an amazing study. It did help me in my case today. Although getting to know myself is a life-long process, I am less freaked out now that I am accepting part of me being who I am.

I am who I am. (It’s easier said than done, but I am on the right track. ^_^)

There’s another interesting study called Human Design System that might help me understand myself even more. Also, make my subconscious mind more conscious; to be more acutely aware of my intuitions and have the courage to act on them. I look forward to exploring Human Design with my guru next week. 🙂

Also, sharing with you this quote:
“I look at the Augusteum,and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me to not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough–but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Side-note: For all the Chinese out there, I think I am suffering from “犯贱病态“。 怎么医才好呢？haha!!!!! It’s funny that how I can find words in Mandarin to summarize my “illness” in just four words. Brilliant.

2nd Side-note: Depression. Self-analyze. Blog. Release. Growth. Never-ending cycle. 🙂 I am weird. I am difficult. I am contradictory. And…. I like that about myself!